The Worst Thing About A Long Distance Relationship
August 30, 2016
This was wrote in the middle of June, I just hadn’t got around to posting it until now.
Long distance is hard, like incredibly so. You might think that the hardest part about long distance is not getting to see your partner on an almost regular basis – and you’d be partly right, that is one of the shittiest parts about long distance. However, for me it’s not the worst part. The worst part is saying good bye to him.
It’s not unusual in a LDR to spend most of the long distance aspect of the relationship obsessing about time. Time comes up a lot. How many weeks/days until we next see each other? How many years/months until we can close this distance? Time can become such a huge factor, so it’s not unusual to have references to time (like the picture below) just to help keep your spirits up until the next time you can be psychically together.
At the time of this screen grab being taken it’d be 26 days, 20 hours, 55 minutes and 27 seconds until Peter should be walking out of the airport, collecting his car and heading to me. And, as you’d expect I was incredibly excited for this to happen. (He’s now been and left.) There are pros and cons to having this visual aspect. The pros being that I can physically see it in real time, counting down to the event that will actually happen! It’s something to hold on to, so to speak (or type). The con of this is that if anything changes – his flight being delayed or, God forbid, cancelled – it can make the extra time added on feel like a punishment, that something was taken from you. And in a way it has been, all time is precious, but in a LDR time together should never really be taken for granted. Though, I’m guilty of doing that quite often.
I mentioned earlier that for me the worst part of a LDR is letting him go and it really is. We’ve done this for five years now, five years of counting down time, endlessly. And it gets harder each and every time I watch him leave.
The first night or two that he’s here, I have to get used to him sleeping in a bed with me again, I need to get used to his presence physically here. Not just in bed, but every day. Making dinner for three instead of two, getting shopping for three – these little things, you get so used to not having someone around that when they’re there, there’s an adjustment period. So, it takes two to three days until I’m used to kicking my legs out in bed and them hitting someone else and not just an empty space. I’m then used to him being there, waking up and climbing over him, hitting him with a pillow when I want attention (I’m lovely), or really just generally being in his presence.
When he leaves, though, the house feels empty. I spent the night before he leaves preparing mentally for it to happen. I somewhat shut myself down a little so it won’t hurt as much when he finally does go. I help him to pack his suitcase while asking him for the millionth time if he’s sure that he absolutely has to leave tomorrow. I already know the answer, but I just like to torture myself.
When he’s left and I shut the door behind him everything just feels BLAH. I could try and explain the exact emotions, but BLAH pretty much just sums it up. It’s empty, it’s quiet and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut as I move around the house in a daze trying to busy myself so that my focus is on anything but the fact that he’s just left.
I sometimes wonder what’s worse: does it feel worse being the person leaving – taking in to account the fact that he now has a full day of travelling before he can go home – or is it worse being left behind? Because I remember him sitting in a certain chair hours earlier, or closing those curtains – you know, the small memories that linger from everything that you have done together. I guess I’ll find that out next year when I finally make the trip to Canada. Either way, though, this for me is the worst part about a long distance relationship.
Read more about my relationship and what it was like dating someone online that I’d never physically met in person; in Going the Distance.